I’ve pulled up my blog many times to write, and then ended up deleting it or just clicking the “X” at the top of the page.
I haven’t liked the person that I’ve been over the past few weeks and I’ve caught myself realizing it more and more. It’s time I stop, take a breath and step back a minute. No since in going back down the road I’ve been on, I’ve back slid enough. If you know me, or even if you don’t and you read my blog then you know I don’t do patient. At all. Last night, after a long, stressful, eventful day, I was ready for bed at dusk, my very whiny, tired, exhausted 4 year old wasn’t helping my mood at all. She is 4 going on 14 and every bit of a diva. My fault, I know. So last night after telling her to pick up her toys, and stop throwing her dolls around, she ends up knocking over a drink and a LIT candle. Both spilled everywhere and I. LOST. IT. First of all, I had told her to STOP throwing stuff, and obliviously she doesn’t listen and the end result is mommy mad, Kensley crying, and a huge mess. After she went to bed last night and the mess was clean, I remembered my reaction to earlier in the night and I cried. I was ashamed. I pulled out my “unglued” book and started at the beginning. I have to figure out this whole patience thing before it is the death of me. A very special person in my life tells me all the time, “you’re going to miss this” . How true that is. I miss her being little. I know you may think she still is, but she’s smarter than some of my co-workers. Not kidding. I miss the days she couldn’t talk, or walk, I miss the cute little faces she use to do. She is just way too big! I have my very first “parent-teacher conference” tomorrow. Yes, I just said that. Point is, I blinked and 4 years have flown by and it’s bittersweet, but heartbreaking too. I wish there were so many times I could go back over the past 4 years and do-over. Oh, if do-overs were real.
Yesterday, my cousin tweeted, about how beautiful the drive was from Tuscaloosa to Centreville, something I never noticed before. It’s cleaning up after my beautiful, smart, healthy child spills something, and not overacting, because so many people would kill for the opportunity to do that. It’s going to see my great grandmother, and letting Kenlsey get to know her because not many people get say they know and remember there great- great-grandmother. It’s playing Madden with your little brother because you never know how much you’ll miss that when you go 10 months without having the opportunity to. It’s about saying I’m sorry when you should, because you never know the next time you might have a chance to make it right. It’s about thanking God for the things you forget to. Because I don’t thank him nearly enough, and take way too many things for granted. In writing this I’m overwhelmed with all my many blessings from God and thankful for he has given me.
I'm really, really going to try and be a better blogger, and not be so sporadic with it.